Giggles that hurt.

They have this adorable giggle, man. They are young and cute and you just wanna squeeze their cheeks they are so fucking cute. Adults don’t like being treated like Gary Coleman circa 1982, but sometimes I can’t help but imagine it.

Other times, there is longing. I love this kid. I am not in love with this kid. So, then, longing? For what, exactly?

Well, it’s deeply complicated. But until I finish the other posts and the podcast episode with Matt tonight, I long to kiss this person when they giggle like that. Just plant one on the kisser.

A peck? A kiss? What? That hasn’t been determined. The last kiss I ever had was in 2007 and it was with someone I was in love with¹. He was super bad at it and while it was one of the worst kisses I’d ever had technical wise it was the best I’d ever had because I loved him, and when I say love, I mean it. That love fucked me up for 10+ years, all wasted because of the hurt he caused that he had no choice but to cause me. I digress.

Thinking about them over time

There’s a reason for me thinking about this person over time the way I have. That’ll be addressed in a post soon. This person guided me through my own confusion about my sexuality and when it was time for me to actually come to grips with the fluidity of how and who I want to fuck, this person was there. And it’s weird because… well. Later on that, this post isn’t the place for this.

Their giggle is so sweet and pure it hurts inside. I don’t know how to reason about this feeling, you know? Why do I long to kiss this person based on a giggle? They’d say to me, “why do you need to quantify and construct a logical explanation about how you feel? Just feel things”. I wish it was that easy. The why is something I am never okay with when it comes to the inside of me. I guess that’s something I won’t understand until I do.