KILL ME. No seriously I am sick of crying all the time, daily almost. I can’t breathe, my whole body jerks at night, my heart is going bad, the depression and CPTSD is so crippling that the numbness never ceases. I mean if you know me and you see me out and about I give you fucking permission to get you a body and spray my brains everywhere bro I am tired.
I made a promise to the staff here I wouldn’t do such a thing, not while living here. I joke about the fact that I want to die and I am literally dying albeit slowly- shit is terminal. But one staff member doesn’t need the fucking jokes right now and I am sitting here thinking of how I can cheer them up because they know and I know what is like to lose someone that way and here I am making jokes.
My shrink is like yeah sis looks like youuuuuu should go inpatient and I am like nope not while I am unsure of how soon I am gonna take my last breath I am not I am not dying in a psych ward. I will gut this shit out. I want to die around people I care about who care about me and that is the aforementioned staff member and their boss.
Anyhow I can’t shake it. I am so depressed everything hurts all the fucking time. I speak on some of this on Masto but honestly that is not the place for this.
I just wanna die man please. End this.