The place I am currently staying in is the best in the area, full stop, hands down. The people here are kind and empathetic with no judgement- this is the second mental health facility I’ve stayed in my life like this, the rest either feeling like a prison or like you were unwanted and are being begrudgingly babysat.
Not here.
Am I suicidal still? Well, not at the moment. Will I ever? I kind of still plan on it, but I am not sure.
The loneliness and isolation, the agoraphobia and anhedonia I’ve suffered from for the past five years is finally lifting, for real this time.
You start to clean your area more, shower more, take more pride in how you look, and most of the time it is because you care and feel better, feel some joy. For me, however, I am numb, the lifelong trauma I’ve endured from child to adulthood meeting in a crescendo of multiple rapid losses over the past five years, from jobs, housing, loved ones, pets, leaving me in a heap of CPTSD and numbness. I really don’t feel anything at all and have a hard time regulating my emotions, which is nothing new, considering I am mentally ill and have been since I was like three years old. There’s an age old saying amongst folks like me, and that is, fuck I’m tired.
Physical health lending a reprieve
Fortunately I am most likely dead in a couple years as my one lung is failing me. I could get a lung transplant, sure, or some other life saving measure but I will not be pursuing these measures, at least not right now and maybe not in the foreseeable future.
The old head witch who works here1 asked me:
Is your prognosis kind of an out for you?
Oh the witch knows me too well.
Creature comforts
I have everything I need here for my stay to be pleasant. My Mac Mini, my Arch Machine, my game console, my tools and electronics parts.
It’s a six month program but if you don’t have a place to go at 6 months, the county will let you stay, they really don’t want you on the streets.
Once I dump my photos from my Pixel 9 Pro on this Mac to edit, I’ll upload a few shots from my room. I will also be posting more to Makertube so I’ll also link to stuff from there.
Footnotes
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I will not be using her name but she is just the greatest. We were talking about Mother Love Bone and Pear Jam and getting our asses blistered for the dumbest shit as kids as we listen to the young staff talk about getting away with temper tantrums. Mostly everyone who works here is quite a bit younger than us, she being 3 years older than me. ↩