For the Kid, Young Bry

It is almost 11 PM on a Sunday. You’ll be here Tuesday and I hope to make it- lately I feel the vibes are off between us and I am not sure if its hypervigilant brain rot doing it or it is a true statement- I am working on trusting. I read into the faces of everyone expecting the worst outcome, much like Elliot from Mr. Robot:

[…] (there’s a) part of my mind that doesn’t allow (good) to exist without conditions.

Obladee Obladah, and so on, and so forth.

Anyway

I don’t think I want this post to involve much of my story at all. The day you were spinning in your chair talking to me about how you used to or maybe still currently feel about yourself and your willingness to fake it till you make it gave me a sad and I thought, what could I do to help this young person see what I see? There’s nothing to fake here, d’alin. Do you not see the reactions you get from the residents here daily?

When you are not here they ask when you are going to be here. Some of us talk about you when you are not here. We recognize the silence and most of us don’t like it.

But even outside of here, where I admit I do not know you at all, what I can tell from just being around you is that… well. Goddamn I don’t like getting into the emotional weeds out here doing 1-2-3-4 hitches before throwing the fucking pass like a 3rd string QB but sometimes the words get caught in my throat and so I have to sit with my thoughts for a moment so that I can say what I mean in a way that means something. I don’t always get it right and for this here page I really need to.

Ok I think I got it

KC called you juicy which is disgusting. He says a lot of disgusting things to you and the other young women staff here. And while I’d never fucking say that to anyone, what I will say is that, even if you do not feel attractive at all, you are. It’s like we’re all out here seeing all the shit others have laid upon us as fact when those facts are fake news. You are young and energetic and just the cutest fucking thing. When you and Deb and a few of us were in the kitchen and you did your club dance, Deb and I were just a’laughing at you not because you looked silly it was that you just didn’t care and if you did, you didn’t show that you did. That takes courage, ma’am and while I am better at it, when I was your age I couldn’t do that without wanting to hide afterwards¹.

Your art is always beautiful. The owl you’re doing is great. You showed me people doing a similar owl and you remarked on how beautiful theirs was and how you loved that for them but you remarked on it a couple more times and I thought about telling you hey you could do it too, remember the art you made me for my birthday? Do you care about that owl as much as you cared about that piece of art because I’m sure if you did, you’d murk their shit easy. I didn’t but now I did. I hope you get that.

Some other things

Because I have never hung out with you outside of here because a.) I didn’t know you even though this town is small and b.) why would I at 48 hang out with a 28 year old unless there was some other relationship there like work or something else, I can’t talk about you outside of here. The only reference I have of your character is here and more specifically between you and me.

I am an extremely bullheaded individual, a loose cannon, as you said yourself about a month ago. It takes a lot of patience and fortitude to work with someone so insistent on dying daily, someone who has CPTSD like I do where you can walk into my room and I look like death warmed over while writhing in my bed wailing or other times I am like an RC car racing around the building with my mouth jawing nonstop.

You have shown me incredible kindness- your beauty is not just on the outside it exudes from you everywhere. With clap clap shoe lady who likes to cook meat in the microwave, the other day I watched as you took care of that situation without escalating it, for one, and for two you helped her learn and helped her cook that meat. She was asking you questions and sat patiently while it cooked. You never once raised your voice or got mad at her. Do you see how rare that is especially with her?

Do you understand how special a person needs to be to be able to do what you do here in the midst of the chaos and red tape that is wrapped around programs like this? This is just one instance of how great a human being you are.

I’ve watched you try to figure yourself out, what you want who you are. I’ve seen you struggle with your own emotions going through whatever you have gone through while I’ve been here. I’ve seen your tears though you don’t cry outright. I watch you interact. I love the person I’ve gotten to know while I am here, while I still live.

You hate compliments like I do but I don’t care, I will not be ignored.

I am trying to keep my eyes open so I think bed time is necessary. I feel very ill.

If I am still alive Tuesday come see me. Maybe I can be a better hugging person that day. Or not. Whatever I’m not your dad. But I am in your corner until I take my last decrepit breath.

Namaste.